The Road To Heaven
by TheLaikynVictoria
Summary: "And they say the road to heaven, it might lead us back through hell." -Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow by Wideawake. Shawn is sick -very sick- and he's getting worse. Secrets are surfaced and the past is revisited, all the while, Shawn is fighting for his life. Previously Named: Beautiful Misery
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N**** - So, I've been on a looooong hiatus due to my writing an original novel, and while I'll try to update at LEAST weekly, I can't make too many promises. **_

_**In any case, I hope you enjoy this first chapter of my new fic! **_

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Shawn poked absentmindedly at the bruise on his arm, watching it go white for a split second before returning to the blue-black color. It had been there for about two weeks, never fading. He sighed and stared at it a moment before looking up at Gus as he entered the room.

"The chief just called." He announced. "We got a case."

"Okay." Shawn stated bluntly, rising from his chair and grabbing his jacket. Gus eyed him curiously.

"Are you okay?" He asked after a moment of watching Shawn move sluggishly around his desk and toward the door. The aforementioned turned around,  
"yeah, why?" He asked, giving a one-shoulder shrug.

"You've been sick for the past two weeks, and you've just been getting worse..." Gus shook his head and waved his hand. "Never mind, let's go."

At the crime scene, Shawn said nothing, did nothing, and had no miraculous revelation. As they were walking back to the car, Gus elbowed him.

"Shawn, what's going on?" He asked him. "You didn't see anything?"

"No, I just…" Shawn shook his head, breathing heavily. "I might have the flu. I was around someone who had a it awhile back." He shrugged.

Gus was immediately concerned.

"Have you had your flu shot?" He asked, reaching up and feeling Shawn's forehead with the back of his hand. He slapped it away and opened the door to the car, climbing into the passenger seat. Gus stalked around to the other side and got in the driver's side.

"Seriously, Shawn." He said. "If you have to flu, I do _not_ want it, and since we work together, I think it's only fair that I know if you've been vaccinated properly."

"Gus, chill out." Shawn shook his head. "I'll be fine. Just take me to my apartment and I'll meet you back at work tomorrow morning."

Gus eyed him suspiciously as he started the car, and then sighed. Nothing he could really do about it.

Shawn walked into his apartment bleary-eyed. His stomach twisting in knots and the pounding headache did nothing to help his dizziness he was currently feeling. He knew he should eat, as he hadn't had anything all day, so he hastily made himself a piece of toast. He ate a couple of bites before the nausea hit. He ran to the bathroom and vomited the contents of his stomach, and then dry heaved for a few minutes afterward.

_It can't come back._ He thought to himself, feeling fear rise in him. _Dear God, please don't let it come back._

He slipped into unconsciousness there on the bathroom floor.

He woke up about an hour later when someone banged on his front door. He got up groggily and staggered to the door, grabbing the doorknob and let it swing open. He turned around before bothering to see who it was and let himself fall back on to the couch, closing his eyes.

"Shawn, what's wrong with you?" Henry's loud voice penetrated the air, causing Shawn to wince in pain. "Gus said that you're acting sick."

"And he called you?" Shawn asked incredulously.

"He's worried." He replied. "And by the look of you, he has a reason to be."

"I'm fine, Dad, it's just a bug." Shawn waved his hand and turned over, smothering himself with a pillow. "It'll be gone in no time."

"Have you gone for your appointments?" Henry asked, a little more soft than he'd been before. Shawn lifted his hand, giving his dad a 'thumbs up'.

"Don't lie to me Shawn." Henry ordered, grabbing his son's shoulder and turning him back over. He gasped when he saw his face. His skin was pale with a green cast; his eyes were sunken and had deep circles around them.

"Shawn, we're going to the doctor." He stated. "Get up and get dressed."

"Dad, I'm fine." Shawn shot back indigently, but his voice shook. "I'm fine, okay? It's not… It's not it. It's not back. It can't be. It's just a… It's just a bug."

Henry's heart broke as he watched his son vehemently deny the only explanation to his sickness he'd had for the past two weeks.

"Come on, Son." He helped him up, not bothering to make him get dressed, and led him to his truck. They got in and Shawn leaned his head against the dashboard, closing his eyes.

"Th-They said the chance wasn't that high, Dad." He whispered as they pulled out of the parking lot. "How can this happen? I've done everything I was supposed to do."

"We don't know anything for certain." Henry replied. "We're just going to check and make sure."

"What if it is?" Shawn whimpered, slowly sinking down until he was curled in a ball, his head in the seat next to his dad. Henry placed a gentle hand on his head, rubbing his temple soothingly. His skin felt cold and clammy, and he was sweating.

"You have a fever." He stated softly, but Shawn didn't reply. Henry looked down and saw that he had fallen asleep. He sighed and looked back up at the road. Suddenly, Shawn wasn't a thirty-five-year-old, grown man with a girlfriend, strong career and clear life goals. He was again that scared seven-year-old who had no idea what was going on, and no idea why he was sick.

_1985_

_Seven-year-old Shawn Spencer watched the kids on the playground, sighing inwardly. Gus would come over to him every now and then and ask why he wasn't playing, and he'd always reply with, "I just don't feel like it", because truthfully, he really did just not feel like playing, and he hadn't for a few weeks now. He had bruises covering his legs and arms that wouldn't go away, he was always tired and lethargic and he had a cough that didn't seem want to leave. So that's why his mom came by and picked him up from school at one that afternoon for a doctor's appointment. Shawn waved goodbye to Gus, who waved back. He was worried for his friend, and hoped everything would turn out all right.  
Shawn and Maddie made it to the office and were called back fairly quickly. The tall man with a weird mustache that he hadn't seen since last year loomed over him, and he reeled back. _

_"It's okay, Shawn." He said, huffing on a stethoscope. "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want you to take a few deep breaths for me." He did as he was told, and started to feel lightheaded. The doctor had him do a few other random things that didn't make sense to Shawn, and then he told him that he was going to draw some blood._

_"What does that mean?" Shawn asked him mom, who rubbed his arm and tried to comfort him. _

_"He's going to give you a shot in your arm and take some of your blood." She said softly. "So that some scientists and doctors can look it over and make sure you're healthy."_

_"They're taking my blood?!" Shawn asked, shocked. "B-But I can't live without my blood!"_

_"They're not taking _all_ of your blood, honey." She assured him. "Just some to make sure that everything is okay."_

_Shawn whimpered when he saw the needle coming toward his arm, and he looked over at his mom, terror in his eyes. He jumped when the needle punctured his skin, but was surprised to find that the pain subsided and it just felt funny until the doctor pulled the needle out. He saw the little containers filled with his blood. _

_"Alright, Mrs. Spencer." The doctor said as he labeled the containers. "I'll send this to the lab and get back with you just as soon as I can."_

_"Thank you, Doctor." She nodded, grabbing Shawn's hand and leading him out of the office._

_That night, long after Shawn had crashed, Henry and Maddie were sitting at the table, talking. _

_"I'm really worried, Henry." She said softly, wrapping her hands around her cup of coffee. "What if it's something serious?"_

_"Shawn's a strong kid." He replied. "If it is something major, he'll be able to fight it." _

_Suddenly, their phone that hung on the wall started ringing. Maddie glanced at the clock, seeing it read 9:30._

_"Who would be calling, I wonder." She stated before picking it up. "Hello?"_

_"Mrs. Spencer?" A male voice rang over the speaker. "This is Doctor Jessup."_

_"Hi, Doctor Jessup." She said, looking worriedly over at Henry, who was suddenly concerned as well. "Is something wrong?"_

_"I put a rush on the examination of Shawn's blood." He said seriously. "Your son's symptoms worried me, quite frankly, so I wanted the tests to be ran as soon as possible. I just got the results back."_

_"Is he okay?" She asked, feeling her heart speed up. She closed her eyes, awaiting the news. _

_"Mrs. Spencer." Jessup sighed. "I'm afraid your son has leukemia." _


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N - Hello! New chapter! :D :D Please review! :)**  
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_Still 1985_

_"Mrs. Spencer." Jessup sighed. "I'm afraid your son has leukemia." _

_And then altogether, her heart stopped and fell into her stomach. _

_"No." She said softly, covering her mouth with her hand and dropping the phone. "No, no, no, no. Please."_

_Henry grabbed the phone and demanded he know what was said. When he heard it, his face turned to stone._

_ "Thanks, we'll call tomorrow about making an appointment." He muttered, hanging the phone up and turning to Maddie. She was sitting in a kitchen chair, hunched over. Her arms were across her middle and she was sobbing uncontrollably._

_"Maddie." Henry said softly, kneeling in front of her. "Mad, listen. We'll get through this. Shawn will get through this. Everything will be alright." _

_"Henry, he has _leukemia_." She said, hiccupping and holding back her tears a bit. "He has _cancer_, do you realize how serious this is?" _

_"Of course I realize how serious it is." Henry replied. "But we have to be strong, for our sake, and especially for Shawn's."_

_"My what?" Henry and Maddie looked up as a sleepy-eyed Shawn entered the room. "Are you all talking about me?"_

_"Shawn, Sweetie, come here." Maddie said, holding her shaking arms out toward him. "We have something to tell you."_

_"Mom, are you crying?" He asked as he walked toward her. He allowed himself to be hugged tightly, burying his face in his mom's shoulder. "Why are you crying?"_

_"Shawn." Henry started, still kneeling on the floor. "The doctor just called us and told us about the tests he ran on your blood."_

_"Is something wrong?" He asked, turning so he was facing his dad, but was still being hugged by Maddie. "Am I sick?" _

_"Yeah, Bud." Henry nodded solemnly. "You are."_

_"What do I have?" He asked, looking worriedly between the two. "Do I have to go the hospital?"_

_"You have something called leukemia." Henry told him, taking one of Shawn's hands in his own. "It's a type of cancer that affects your blood and your bones."_

_"Like when I broke my arm last year?" Shawn asked, confused._

_"Not quite." Maddie spoke up, her voice raspy from crying. "It just means something called bone marrow is having trouble with the blood inside your body." _

_"I don't know what that means." Shawn said, wringing his hands together. "I'm scared."_

_"It's okay, Bud." Henry said, pulling him to him and hugging him. "We're gonna call the doctor tomorrow, and you'll have to get some tests done. But everything is gonna be fine."_

_"Are you sure?" Shawn asked, pulling away to look at his dad. Henry just sighed, placing a hand on the back of Shawn's head and pulling him back toward him. _

_"We're gonna work things out, Son." He said. "I promise."_

_The next day, the three of them walked into the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara. Shawn walked between his parents, feeling scared, and just overall pretty crummy. The dirty gray color of the walls did nothing to ease his mood as he and his mom sat down in the waiting room while his dad went to the front desk. _

_"Mom, what are they gonna do?" Shawn asked, clasping his hands together in his lap. _

_"This is a consultation." She replied, looking down at him. "It just means we're gonna talk about what kind of medicine to give you to make you better."_

_"Why couldn't Gus come with us?" He whined, looking down at his shoes. His toes that were encased in dirty converse all-stars were pointed inward. "It'd be better if Gus were here."_

_"Maybe next time, Honey." Maddie said softly, putting her arm over his shoulder. "But Gus is at school right now."_

_"Well they coulda got him out." Shawn mumbled. "I just... I just want Gus here."_

_"Well hey," Henry said as he approached the two with a clipboard in his hand. "After he gets out of school, he can come over and you all can watch some movies; all day if you want."_

_"But you said I can't watch anything after five!" Shawn marveled, looking up at Henry, who shrugged as he started filling out the sheet on the clipboard. _

_"Special circumstance." He replied nonchalantly. "Gus couldn't come with us, so we'll let you do something else instead."_

_Shawn didn't question it, not wanting to risk it. After a while, and after Henry had returned the clipboard to the desk, Shawn's name was finally called. He rose hesitantly, and was gently pushed along by Maddie. The three followed a nurse to an office in the back of the building. She pushed open the heavy oak door, motioning for them to step inside. _

_"The doctor will be right in." She told them. She smiled, nodded, and then shut the door. Henry and Maddie sat in the two chairs directly in front of the desk, and Shawn sat down on the small couch that sat a few feet over, on wall opposite the door. They waited a good ten minutes before a doctor came striding in. Maddie and Henry rose._

_"Mr. and Mrs. Spencer?" He asked, reaching a hand out toward Henry, who shook it firmly. "I'm Doctor Keller. You're here for your son, correct?" He glanced over at Shawn, who was staring intently at a spot on the carpet that was worn. _

_"Yes. We were informed that he has acute lymphocytic leukemia." Henry said, somewhat surprised at how easily the words came out of his mouth; the words that no parent ever wanted to say. _

_"Yes." Keller nodded and sat down behind the desk. Henry and Maddie sat back down, as well. "Firstly, I'd like to say that this diagnosis, while scary, is manageable to a degree, and we will help you through the best options for your son."_

_"Shawn." Maddie spoke up. "His name is Shawn."_

Present Day

Henry sat in the uncomfortable chair beside the hospital bed that Shawn was laying in. They were in a drab emergency room with nothing to separate patients but flimsy currents. The doctor had come in and taken blood samples, and then disappeared.

This was two hours ago.

"Shawn, you listen to me." Henry stated softly to his unconscious son. "If this is it, if it's back, I promise we're going to work things out. I swear."

Shawn didn't stir.

Henry sighed and dropped his head. His hands were clasped in front of him, and for the first time since Shawn's last occurrence, he found himself talking to the Big Man in the sky.

"Dear God, let him be alright." He whispered. "He's my son. He's my _son_. Let him be okay."

"Mr. Spencer?" Henry's head snapped up, and he saw the doctor standing in the doorway holding a file. "The results are back from Shawn's blood test."

"And?" Henry asked, standing up and feeling his joints crack. "What do they say?"

"His WBC count is extremely high." The doctor said regretfully. "And his platelet count is quite low."

"Oh God..." Henry mumbled, rubbing a hand over his mouth. "Not again."

"We'll do a bone marrow biopsy to make sure," he continued, "but we're fairly certain his cancer has relapsed."

Henry had no words. He just sat back in the chair and focused intently on Shawn's face. What could he say? He could break down into hysterics, sure, but that wouldn't get things done.

"Do you know if Doctor Owen Keller is still practicing?" He asked after a moment.

"I am not sure, but I can check on it for you." The doctor nodded. "I'll be right back."

Henry only nodded and continued watching Shawn. He'd have to call Maddie and tell her. God, she'll be heartbroken.

After finding out that Keller had retired last year, Henry arranged for Shawn to be admitted to the hospital so he could get the bone marrow biopsy. By the time Shawn was settled and scheduled for a biopsy in just a few hours, the sun was peaking up on the horizon. If he had the chance, Henry could probably sleep right now purely due to his plain exhaustion. But he knew the moment his head hit the pillow his mind wouldn't stop reeling, so he just sat in the equally as uncomfortable chair as before and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed the familiar number and put the phone shakily to his ear.

"Hello." Maddie answered cheerily, and it made Henry hurt worse.

"Mad." He said softly. "Something's happened."

"Oh God, is it Shawn?" She asked, her voice suddenly turning terrified. "Is he dead?"

"No, no, he's not dead." Henry assured her. "But he... He's sick, Maddie."

"You mean..."

"He's relapsed."


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N-You asked, I answered. Longer chapter! :) The gang finds out! :O**_

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Gus walked into the station at a quarter after nine, looking around for Shawn. He hadn't seen his motorcycle, but he figured he'd gotten the same call he had. He approached Juliet's desk.

"Hey, where's Shawn?" He asked. She looked up at him, confused.

"He was supposed to be with you." She said. "I mean, he didn't answer when I called, so I figured…"

"He wasn't feeling well yesterday." Gus shrugged. "So he's probably just home sick."

"Guster." Lassie huffed, walking up to them. "I can't believe I am actually asking this, but where's Spencer."

"Hopefully at home." Gus mumbled as his phone rang. "Oh good, that's probably him." He pulled it out and looked at the screen. _Henry Spencer_.

"Hello?" He answered hesitantly.

"Gus, I need you to come down to the hospital." Henry sighed in the phone. He sounded exhausted. "Santa Barbara Memorial."

"Hospital?" Gus repeated. "Why?"

"It's Shawn." Henry replied cryptically. "Just get down here."

"Is he okay?" He asked, but Henry had already hung up.

Gus shoved his phone back in his pocket and ran for the door, unaware of the detectives following closely behind. He ran to the Blueberry and got in hastily, jamming the keys into the ignition and peeling out of the parking lot. Lassie and Jules followed in the former's Ford Fusion. It took nearly twenty minutes to reach the hospital, and Gus' patience was just about gone by the time he got in the main doors. He approached the front desk, only just now aware that Lassie and Jules were with him, and got the receptionist's attention.

"I'm looking for Shawn Spencer." He breathed out. "Can you tell me where to find him?"

"Hold on one moment." She told him, turning to the computer. She clicked a few times and typed out something before turning back. "Yes, Shawn Spencer is in the Oncology ward, room 218."

"Onco…Oncology?" Gus repeated, barely above a whisper. "Oh my God. No."

"Oncology?" Juliet stated, going around Gus and facing him. "Oncology means cancer. Why is he in the cancer ward?"

Gus just shook his head and sprinted away, following the blurry signs to Oncology. He vaguely noticed Lassie and Jules' pounding footsteps behind him. He found the room relatively easily and he knocked quickly before entering without an answer. Henry jumped up, and then relaxed when he saw who it was.

"Gus." He stated limply. Then he saw Lassie and Jules behind him. "What are they doing here?" He was angry. He ushered them outside and into the hallway, then turned to Gus.

"I didn't expect you to bring guests." He shot at him.

"I didn't know they followed me, Mr. Spencer." Gus defended himself. "They overheard me talking to you. Now, more important matters; is it…Is it back?"

Henry said nothing. His bloodshot eyes and shaking hands told him the answer.

"This doesn't make any sense." Gus placed both hands on his head, his mouth slightly agape. "Th-They said that it wasn't likely… That the chances were so small."

"Unlikely, not impossible." Henry shrugged, shaking his head.

"Okay, what's going on?" Lassie asked, becoming irritated. "What do you mean 'is it back'?"

Henry and Gus exchanged a glance, and the former just shook his head, turning back toward the door to Shawn's room.

"Shawn…" Gus started, hesitating. He could feel tears coming to his eyes as old emotions and feelings were brought to the surface. The fear that his best friend could die, and there'd be nothing anyone could do about it…

"Gus." Juliet said softly. "What's wrong with him?"

"Shawn was diagnosed with leukemia when he was seven." He replied in a whisper. "He went into remission a few times for a couple years, and went into complete remission when he was nine. It was a…Tough time."

The detectives let the words sink in. Even though they had an idea of what was going on, as they _were_ in the oncology department, they were still baffled at actually hearing it. Shawn, the epitome of youthfulness and happiness and health, had cancer.

"Henry." Juliet said, tears filling her eyes. "What… What kind is it? How advanced?"

"It's the same as before." He replied, turning to face them. "Acute lymphocytic leukemia."

"I thought only children got leukemia." Lassie spoke up.

"It's actually more prevalent in adults." Gus told him. "Especially when they'd had it as kids."

"So what are we talking?" He asked. "What are the statistics?"

"The statistics?" Henry repeated, and Lassie nodded.

"How bad is it?" He asked him, his hands held out questioningly. "What are the odds?"

"Well my son has cancer cells running rampant through his blood and bones, Detective." Henry shot back. "You tell me how the odds sound!" Lassiter was left speechless as Henry turned and stormed back into Shawn's room.

"He didn't… He didn't mean it, Carlton." Jules shook her head.

"I know." He mumbled. "I suppose I'm not needed here, but…" He paused, "call me if you learn anything new." Juliet nodded and followed Gus into the room.

The first thing she saw were the bright yellow walls. They seemed to contrast her sullen, scared next thing she saw was Shawn.

He was asleep, connected to multiple machines. He had patches connected to his chest, IVs in both arms and a pulse oximeter on his right index finger. His skin was pale and he had what looked like some sort of rash on his face and arms.

"What is the redness?" She asked, coming to his left side, standing across from Henry. Gus stood at the end of the bed, a couple feet away.

"It's caused by broken blood vessels." Henry replied. "They break when the blood platelet count gets too low." She nodded, though she didn't fully understand what it meant.

"He's gonna be alright, isn't he?" Gus spoke up. The words caught in his throat and he coughed weakly. "I mean… I don't know if I can go through this again. I don't know if _he_ can go through this again."

We'll fight it, Gus." Henry said, looking down at his sleeping son. "We did it once, we'll do it again."

"I was just a kid, then, y'know?" Gus continued talking. "I didn't really understand the gravity of the situation. Just that Shawn could-" He cut himself off mid-sentence and turned away, covering his mouth with his hand. "I can't do this."

The silence that ensued was deafening. The three found seats and settled in, not knowing when Shawn would wake up.

"They're running some more extensive tests on his blood and bone marrow." Henry informed them after a few minutes. "But they're pretty sure they'll want to start him on a chemotherapy regimen."

Gus grinned sorrowfully,

"he used to complain about how the chemo made his stomach feel funny."

"The first time he said that, he proceeded to puke on your head." Henry laughed lightly. "And you thought you'd 'catch it'."

"Hey, I was seven." Gus defended weakly, but he still grinned. "I didn't know what cancer really was."

"None of us do, Gus." Henry's smile left his face and his eyes flickered over to Shawn, who was beginning to move.

"Either I am in a hospital, or someone cleaned my apartment without asking." He mumbled, his eyes still closed. "But I hope it's a hospital, because I do not want to have to go to the trouble of messing my apartment up again."

"Hey, Shawn." Henry said softly, standing and going to his bedside. "How're you feeling?"

"Cancerous." He replied bluntly. "I mean, I am, right?"

"Shawn…"

"I heard you all talking long before I said anything." He interrupted his dad. "But whatever. When does the chemo start?"

"They're finishing the tests today," Henry told him, "but probably in a few days."

"Great." Shawn nodded. He felt around on the bed for the remote that controls it. He found it and raised himself to a sitting position. "So, I'm thinking Mohawk, though I did that last time. What do you all think? I mean, I don't exactly have as much hair to work with as I did before."

"How are you taking this so lightly?" Gus blurted out. He regretted it as soon as he said it, but he couldn't exactly take it back.

"What, do you expect me to sulk?" Shawn asked him. "Mull and whine over my 'awful life' and wonder 'why me'?"

"Shawn, I'm sorry." Gus shook his head. "That's not what I meant."

He sighed, relaxing his had on the pillow, "I know. I'm sorry too."

"Sh-Shawn." Juliet approached him, grabbing his hand gently. She wasn't sure what to say, so she just said, "hey."

"Hey, Jules." He half-grinned at her, and then averted his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry I never told you about it. It was something that was really hard, and-"  
"I don't care that you never told me." She interrupted him. "I just care that we get you better."

He nodded, still not looking at her. The trio stayed there, surrounding Shawn in a constant vigil. They tried to get comfortable as they made small talk. After a while, Shawn turned the television on and the conversation died all together. Juliet had the mind to text Lassiter and ask him to talk to the chief about her getting a few days off. Gus called his boss and to let him know he needed some time off, as well.  
So they sat. They talked and laughed for a bit, then became somber when a doctor entered to inform them that the cancer was more aggressive than they previously thought and that chemotherapy would need to start the next day. After he left, no one said a word, and they didn't for a long time. Before long, the sun went down and everyone was asleep except Juliet. She sat in the chair directly next to Shawn's bed, her hand on top of his, which she stroked gently with her thumb. She turned so she was facing the bed and she just stared at him. He looked so sick and so tired; but then, that's what cancer does, right? Suck the life out of its victims? She sighed, slouching in the seat. Shawn couldn't die. He just couldn't. He was the love of her life and he couldn't die. Cancer would not take him from her.

"Jules, I would say it's creepy that I wake up to find you staring at me." Shawn's words startled her as she jumped, focusing on him in the dim room. "But since you're awful cute doing it, I'll let it slide."

"Shawn." She whispered, glancing over at Henry and Gus. "Sorry, I just… I couldn't really fall asleep, and I was just thinking…"

"Me too." Shawn sighed. "About a lot of stuff."

"I bet." She nodded, gripping his hand now. "Anything you want to talk about?"

He shrugged, looking over at Gus,

"I hope he's not mad at me." He said softly. "I didn't mean to be rude earlier, it's just… God, it's hard."

Juliet stayed quiet, letting Shawn get it out.

"I don't know if I can handle this." He said, his voice croaking. He absentmindedly scratched at the IV on his arm. "I practically lived in the hospital last time, Jules. It was… It was a nightmare. I don't know if I can go through this again." He repeated Gus' words verbatim, closing his eyes and gulping.

"Well I am here with you, Shawn." Juliet whispered, tears coming to her eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. "I am here with you always, and so is Gus, and your dad, and even Lassiter."

"How is ol' Lassie?" Shawn grinned, swallowing the emotion and looking over at Jules. "Haven't seen him around here, though I can't say I'm surprised."

"He's taking on my work so _I_ can be here." She told him. "Now isn't that nice of him?" She laughed softly, and Shawn grinned again.

"I love you, Jules." He breathed softly. "Just remember that, okay?"

"Of course, Shawn." She replied, standing up and grabbing his hand with both of hers. "I love you too."

She leaned over to give him a kiss, but he turned his head to the side.

"Sorry, just… Stop." He whispered, barely audible. "Just stop."


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N- **_

**_New chapter! I love how I said AT LEAST once a week, and I've got 4 chapters, all progressively longer, out in like, 6 days. Haha._**

**_Please review! :) _**

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Shawn woke up around ten AM the next morning. He carefully placed a few pillows behind him, groaning inwardly at the pain. His entire body was just achy and sore. Satisfied and comfortable, he grabbed the TV remote and flipped it on, turning the volume low. He tried to watch many different shows; Suite life of Zack and Cody, The Mentalist, CSPAN, and the weather channel, but he couldn't really focus on anything. The only two things on his mind were the fact that he had to start chemo today, and the exchange he'd had with Juliet the night before. She'd seemed genuinely hurt when he pulled away from her kiss, and he felt bad… But how could she ever understand what he was feeling? The cancer, this disease that killed everything its path… It was going to get him this time, he was sure of it, and the last thing he wanted was Juliet thinking that nothing had changed and that their relationship was solid.

Because it had and it wasn't.

He sighed and flipped the TV off, looking around at his babysitters. Juliet was still in that stupid chair, her knees drawn up and feet poking off the edge of the seat. Her head was lolled backward, her mouth slightly open. Little baby snores escaped her nose every few seconds, and he chuckled softly. His gaze continued, his eyes landing on Gus. He was lying on the floor near the window. A nurse had graciously given him an extra pillow and blanket when she realized that Hades would freeze before he left. Shawn finally looked over at his father. He was lying on the too-short couch, knees scrunched up. A blanket that seemed entirely too small was awkwardly draped over him, looking as though it was providing no warmth. His neck was contorted in such a way that Shawn was sure he'd need some sort of deep tissue massage for it to even remotely be pain free. He sighed, letting his head hit the pillow. Everything had happened so quickly. Sure, he'd been sick for a while now, but his vehement denial and amazing talent to just pretend that nothing was wrong had made him almost start believing everything actually was okay. But now, just a couple weeks after getting sick, he was lying in another God-forsaken hospital about to start a round of chemo. How many rounds had he 'fought'? Nine? This would be his tenth.

"Can I tap out?" He mumbled, running a hand through his hair. "Your days are numbered, my brilliant coif." His hand fell back to his bed and he closed his eyes. He tried to force the thoughts out of his head. The thoughts about drugs and chemo and bone marrow and blood and _cancer, _but the fact of the matter was, he was cancer and cancer was him, and no amount of chemo would change that. He realized, lying there in that hospital bed surrounded by his loved ones, that he never quite went into full remission when he was nine. No, this isn't a reoccurrence. The cancer never left. It waited for him, waited for when things were looking up and decided to strike at the most inconvenient time possible. He had a thriving job with his best friend, (just private detective now, as he'd been outed long ago and gotten full pardon thanks to the many civic duties he'd performed for the police) a great life with his girlfriend, finally a strong relationship with his father… Yeah, things were looking up and cancer decided it couldn't have any of that.

"Stupid cancer." He murmured, his eyes still closed. "If you weren't essentially part of me, I would totally punch you in the face right now."

"Cancer doesn't have a face, Shawn." He opened his eyes and looked up, seeing Gus sitting up against the wall. "I feel the sleeping arrangements were a lot more…Accommodating last go around."

"Well, you _were_ seven and it _was_ a children's hospital." Shawn offered with a shrug. "You slept at the end of my bed practically every night that you were there."

"You kept calling me your pet dog to all the girls." Gus snorted. "Never got you back for that."

"You got so mad at me, you started telling people I was contagious." Shawn laughed. "None of the kids would come anywhere near me until Doctor Keller told them otherwise!'

"I _really_ thought you were!" Gus defended with a grin, which left his face instantaneously when Shawn suddenly started coughing deeply. Gus jumped up and stood beside the bed, unsure of what to do. Finally the coughing subsided, and he settled back into his pillows.

"Funny how a simple coughing fit can take so much outta ya." Shawn mumbled, wiping the saliva that had gathered at his lip. "I think I wanna sleep now."

Before Gus could say anything, Shawn's breathing evened and he went slack.

_1985_

_"I still don't even what know chemo is!" Shawn exclaimed, lying back on the hospital bed he currently inhabited. He looked over at his dad, "how long do I have to stay?" _

_ "The doctors want to see how your body will react to the chemo." He explained. "So we don't know for sure yet."_

_ "I asked my mom and she said that chemo is a drug that people with cancer take." Gus piped up from his seat near the giant giraffe mural on the wall. "And you have cancer, so I guess it's to make you better."_

_ "Well I hope it works." Shawn huffed. "I don't like being sick all the time."_

_ Henry and Mad exchanged a glance, the latter sighing as she sat next to Shawn. _

_ "Honey, I don't think we made it very clear." She started softly. "Chemotherapy uses different types of medicine to make the yucky cancer go away. But the medicine is really, really strong and can make someone feel even sicker than they were before."_

_ "What?!" Shawn exclaimed. "I don't wanna be sicker!"_

_ "But if you don't take the chemo, the cancer will just make you even more sick." Gus stated, not moving from his Henry-appointed seat. Shawn's parents hadn't really wanted Gus to come along, and neither had his parents, but no one seemed to be able to deny Shawn something that he wanted, and he hadn't wanted much. Just that his best friend be with him at the hospital. "I.. I learned it from the library." _

_ "Gus, are you looking up books about cancer?" Shawn asked, partially amused, partially thoughtful. The aforementioned nodded sheepishly. "Do they say anything cool?"_

_ "Not really." His best friend shrugged, trying to forget about the darkness he'd learned in the pages of the books he'd checked out. Instead he thought about the librarian's shock at a little seven year old checking out 'Grey's Anatomy' and 'History of Leukemia'. He let out a little chuckle, causing the Spencers to glance over at him. He shook his head at their questioning eyes, looking up when a doctor and a couple nurses entered. The air felt thick with tension as the doctor and Mr. and Mrs. Spencer exchanged a few hushed words. Shawn looked back at Gus, concerned. He only shrugged in return. _

_ "Okay, Shawn." Doctor Keller approached his bedside. "We're going to do something called an I.V." _

_ "What's that?" Shawn asked, watching the nurses nervously out of the corner of his eye. "Is it a shot?"_

_ "Kind of." Keller told him. "We're going to put a teeny tine needle in your arm that we will tape in place. The chemo medicine will go through this needle into your blood."_

_ "Mom said that it's gonna make me feel sicker." Shawn said softly, watching as one of the nurses hung a plastic bag with clear liquid in it on the tall cart thing with hooks. _

_ "The medicine might make you feel sicker." Keller nodded sadly, having decided early on that Shawn was one of the kids who needed to know everything that went on. "In some people, not all, it can cause them to be really tired, have headaches, feel sick to their stomach and maybe throw up-"_

_ "Is it true his hair will fall out?" Gus stated, interrupting the doctor. Keller turned to him, surprised. _

_ "Yeah, it's common for people to lose their hair during chemo." He said. "I don't think I've met you. What's your name?"_

_ "His name is Gussy McJenkins." Shawn piped up, half-grinning at Gus' groan. "He's my best friend."_

_ "My name's actually Burton Guster." Gus informed the doctor, sticking a hand out. "But people call me Gus."_

_ "Well nice to meet you, Gus." Keller greeted, shaking his hand. "I'm Doctor Keller." Gus only nodded, smiling politely and looking over at Shawn, who apparently had just realized what was said._

_ "I'm gonna lose my hair!?" He exclaimed, reaching up to touch his mop of hair. "I don't wanna lose my hair, though…"_

_ "Hey, how about this." Henry spoke up. "You can get any hairstyle you want. That Mohawk you asked me for last month? Sure thing."_

_ "But what's the point if it's just gonna fall out anyways?" Shawn grumbled._

_ Henry looked at him pointedly, "you saying you're gonna turn me down?"_

_ Shawn just sighed, sticking his tongue out at his father when he looked away. _

_ "Alright, should we get started, now?" Keller asked, the needle in his gloved hand. Shawn gulped, slowly pulling the sleeve of the hospital gown he was forced to wear up on his right arm. A nurse quickly wiped the area where his elbow bent with a disinfectant before the doctor leaned over and plunged the needle quickly into his skin. Shawn absentmindedly reached over for his mom's hand, which he grabbed and squeezed tight. At the moment, he didn't care if anyone saw him holding his mom's hand. He just wanted this intense terror that encased him to go away. He wasn't stupid. He saw the way his parents looked at each other whenever something about his cancer was said. He'd heard his mom up late one-too-many times crying her eyes out. He'd seen his dad sit on the back porch until all hours of the night, a beer in his hand that he never took a drink from. He saw the way they acted, and he knew this wasn't just any other kind of sickness. He knew that it was dangerous, and it was then that he decided he was going to ask Gus about those books. _

_ While he was thinking, he hadn't realized they'd connected the I.V. tube to the medicine, and he hadn't realized that the drip had started. No, it wasn't until he felt a stirring in his stomach that he realized he was already taking the medicine._

_ "My stomach feels funny." He said uneasily. Gus had moved to the bed after the doctor and nurses left, sitting Indian style looking at a work book from school. He didn't even have time to look up before Shawn suddenly puked all over his head. Henry and Maddie rushed into action; Henry grabbed Gus under the arms and yanked him from the bed and sat him on the floor. He ushered him toward the bathroom and helped him clean up. Maddie grabbed the container that had been provided for this very reason and let Shawn finished vomiting before gently moving him to the chair. By this time, Henry had finished with Gus and now went out to the nurse's station to inform them of what happened. Within ten minutes, the bed was stripped and clean and Shawn was lying down under the itchy hospital blankets, one hand over his forehead and the other, the one with the I.V., at his side. Gus was sitting straight-backed at the end of the bed, scared to death to hardly even breathe. Finally, after ten minutes of this, Shawn sighed,_

_ "Gus, I'm not gonna puke on you again." He said groggily. He no longer felt physically ill, just extremely tired and fatigued. _

_ "I know. "Gus nodded. "I just… I don't want to disturb you." _

_ "Being comfortable and not looking like someone put a tack on your seat isn't gonna 'disturb' me." Shawn informed him through heavy-lidded eyes. He was lying almost straight, hardly any incline to his bed at all. "At least move to the chair or couch or something so you're not so weird." _

_ Gus did as he was told and sat down in the chair next to the couch that Maddie and Henry inhabited. The former was resting against the latter's shoulder, watching Shawn intently from her position on the couch. Gus pulled the workbook he'd been working on out of his backpack, sans vomit, and began working again. After a few long minutes of silence, Shawn spoke up, his words slightly slurred,_

_ "sorry I puked on you."_

_ "I know." Gus said softly, looking up at his best friend and feeling fear fill his heart. "It wasn't your fault." _

_ The room returned to silence and he continued working, trying desperately to forget about the thought that at any time, Shawn could die._

Present Day

The chemo took its toll on Shawn in a big way. By the time the first day was done with, he had puked three times and had passed out twice. Most of the time, though, he was just drowsy and fatigued, much like had had been nearly thirty years ago. And much like nearly thirty years ago, it was just Shawn and Gus in the hospital room. Juliet and Henry had went to get something to eat, albeit reluctantly. Shawn had assured them that he'd be fine while they went on their 2-story trek to the cafeteria, so they left, promising to check and see if they had anything pineapple.

_Not that I can keep anything down._ He thought glumly, staring at his untouched breakfast on the tray beside him. Gus watched his best friend, wondering what he was thinking. He could only imagine what was going on in that already-overactive mind of his.

"Shawn, what are you thinking?" He asked after a moment, resigning to the fact that he wasn't, well… Shawn, and he couldn't figure things out miraculously.

"Nothing." He replied, his eyes closed. "Just that this really is not fun and that I'd rather be at Disneyland or something."

"Don't rehash _that_." Gus laughed. "I can't believe you wasted your Wish on Disneyland when we could have went any time."

"Dude, I was eight." Shawn stated, looking at him. "I didn't know what my 'one true wish' was. I just said the first thing that came to mind."

"You could have at least said Disney_world_." Gus replied, shaking his head and sitting down on the foot his bed. "Then we would have got a trip."

"Oh, you're lucky you got to come in the first place." Shawn waved a hand weakly in the air at him. Gus noticed the skin peeling around his fingernails, and for a moment wondered if he _had _learned a thing or two from him. "My mom and dad had to put in a special request for you."

"All they had to do was show them the picture of me sleeping at the foot of your bed." Gus said, reaching for his pineapple smoothie. "They won their hearts in a snap. All it takes is a cute kid."

"I know, right?" Shawn nodded. "Too bad you were in the picture."

Gus scoffed, giving Shawn's feet a gentle push as he stood up. He set his smoothie down and turned back around in time to see Shawn scrambling for his puke bucket, whom he had affectionately named 'Rango'. (God only knows how he came up with_ that_ one.)

"Shawn, here… "Gus pulled the bucket up and handed it to him, watching him puke and wondering 1, what else could be in his system that he hadn't puked out already and 2, when had _Gus_ become so…Desensitized to these kinds of things?

_Probably the moment I learned Shawn could die, again. _Gus thought to himself as he took Rango from him to clean out. He stopped when he heard a voice behind them.

"Oh, Goose."

"Mom." Shawn grinned meekly. "Hi."

"Shawn," she said, dropping her purse on the chair next to the bed and coming to his side. She took one of his hands in hers and gave it a tight squeeze.

Gus silently excused himself and went to the bathroom to clean Rango.

"You're gonna be alright, you hear me?" Maddie whispered, leaning down and placing her forehead on his. For the first time since this whole thing started, tears came to Shawn's eyes.

And in the moment, he didn't care if anyone saw him holding his mom's hand.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N-**_

_**Hola! New chapter already! Can you believe it? Word wars with my awesome friend Becka ( u/1529688/randomstateofmind) helped me greatly in getting the words written down. **_  
_**Also, some people have gotten scared.**_

_**If I, from the beginning, knew that Shawn was going to die, I would have put a warning.**_

_**HOWEVER.**_

_**I am not entirely sure of the ending of this fanfiction. IF i decide to make him die in the end, I will put a warning up AS SOON as I decide to. **_

_**And that is all. :)**_  
_**Please review!**_

* * *

Juliet was at her desk. She had hard copy files open in front of her. She had files open on the computer in front of her. She had work. But all she could seem to do was stare into space and think about the man in hospital bed miles away, and why he didn't even want to hardly hold her hand.

"O'Hara." She looked up and saw the Chief. "Are you okay?" Her underlying tone asked the question that she hadn't. Really, _are you okay to work and will you not get yourself killed if you go out?_

"I'm fine, Chief." She replied, forcing a smile. "Just a little distracted, but I'll try to focus."

"Just let me know if you can't." The chief replied slowly. "Focus, that is."

Juliet nodded and looked back at her work, forcing the thoughts of Shawn out of her mind. Not completely, no… They were always there, lingering somewhere in the background. But she pushed them far enough away that she could focus to get some work done. After a couple hours of paperwork, she looked up at Carlton's desk to find it void of its owner. She sighed, looking down at the file in front of her. The lines blurred and she felt a headache coming on, so she closed it and stood up, stretching her limbs out. She looked around the bullpen, not seeing her partner. So she checked the break room, the conference room, and even the bathroom. Finally, she went to the range, and lo and behold, there was Lassiter, destroying a target with a Colt revolver. Deciding she could use some stress relief as well, she grabbed some protective wear and approached the lane next to his. She drew her weapon and rapid-fired into the target, startling Lassiter. He turned, pulling the earmuffs off his head.

"What do you think you're doing, O'Hara?" He asked, his face contorted in something like anger and frustration and… A hint of sadness? She blinked, removing her glasses and earmuffs, obviously having been seeing things.

"I am shooting at a target, just like you are." She stated matter-of-factly. "Is there a problem with that?"

"No, I just… "He trailed off with a sigh. "You startled me, is all."

"You've been acting weird lately." She commented, turning the safety on her gun on and holstering it.

"We all have." He replied, a tinge of sarcasm in his voice.

"You don't even like Shawn." She shook her head, feeling rather frustrated herself. He has never shown even the slightest liking for Shawn, what makes him think he should be able to act hurt or affected by what's going on?

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew her thoughts were irrational, but then, whose thoughts would be at a time like this?

"I never said I didn't like Spencer." Lassiter stated, holstering his weapon as well. "I just have a strong distaste for his work ethics and process."

Juliet smirked, "wow, Carlton. The man is lying in a hospital bed dying, and you're here, insulting his work ethics."

"Juliet, I didn't mean-"

"No, Carlton, you know what." She interrupted him, so angry that she didn't even realize he used her first name. "You just stay here, practicing your shot and insulting my cancerous boyfriend, okay. Do what makes you happiest. Hurting Shawn."

"Hurting… O'Hara, I…" He shook his head, not understanding what she meant.

"Believe it or not, Carlton," she started, turning around at the doorway to face him. "He likes you. He respects you. You constantly demeaning him and his work? Yeah, he doesn't take it lightly."

"I didn't… I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

"That big of a deal? What is a big deal to you, Carlton?" She shot back, hot, burning tears stinging her eyes. "All you ever think about your gun, and your arrest record and one-upping Shawn. Well guess what? You did it. You won. He's dying, you're not. He's finally out of your hair. Happy?" She turned and stormed away, hoping he hadn't noticed the falling tears.

"O'Hara!" He exclaimed, guilt and pain and anger boiling in him. "O'Hara!" He yelled again, but she didn't stop. She stormed away with the tears rolling down her face.

How was he supposed to fix this one? He's had tiffs with his partner before, but never like this. Never this… Irreparable. He sighed, looking over at the target he had just been shooting at and saw he only had four holes out of a full clip. He couldn't hold anything she said against her right now. She was under a great deal of stress and was exhausted from staying at the hospital all night, every night for the last few days. But…Maybe she was right. Maybe there were more important things than how accurate his mark was, and how high his arrest record was. No matter how much he hated to admit it, Spencer was a detective, and a good one. And nothing changed the fact that he'd grown close to the punk over the last eight years, and that he would be grieving, if not devastated, if he died.

But how in the world would he let that be known without sounding like a sappy Hallmark card?

At the hospital, Shawn was feeling relatively better. (At least, he would be until his next Chemo treatment, which was the next day) He was so much better that he sat in the chair most of the day, playing video games with Gus, who had brought in their Wii from the office. They played Call of Duty: MW3, Mario Kart (the stupid version, as Shawn put it), and Battlefield. Henry and Maddie were finally able to accept that Shawn wasn't the seven-year-old that needed constant vigil and were able to go home to Henry's and rest a while, content with Gus being with him. Maddie had gotten there a week before, Shawn having been in the hospital for a total of thirteen days. He'd be there, they'd learned, for quite a while. The cancer was aggressive and the cells just didn't seem to want to break apart even though he'd been having rigorous chemotherapy. They were going to finish this round and then do another bone marrow biopsy. If the chemo didn't help any, they'd have to put Shawn on the bone marrow donor list. Usually, a brother or sister of the patient can donate, as they have extremely similar genetic make-ups, but as Shawn was an only child, the registry was only other option.

"I totally capped that guy!" Shawn stated excitedly, throwing a fist in the air. "He is down. What!"

"'That guy' was me, Shawn!" Gus exclaimed, shaking his head. "We're playing hardcore, friendly fire is on. You didn't notice the big green name above my head?"

"Oh, you mean 'KitKatJones'?" Shawn asked, staring intently at the screen.

"It said to make it something original!" Gus said, looking over at him. "And BurtonGuster was taken, surprisingly, and I was eating a Kit Kat, so I thought… Whatever."

"Jones?" Shawn asked, looking over at him, an eyebrow raised.

"I don't know." Gus shrugged. "It was the first thing that came to mind."

"Okay, we really need to work on your naming skills." Shawn shook his head with a grin, turning back to the game. "You just got sniped in the dome, by the way."

"What?" Gus looked back over just in time to see himself getting sniped on the killcam. "This game is stupid, Man. Let's play Mario Kart."

"Fine." Shawn agreed. "You change the disks."

Gus rose from his spot on the bed, which he had immediately taken upon Shawn's offer (after asking if he was absolutely sure, of course), and changed the disks out. The Nintendo logo popped on the screen, fading away to the title screen for Mari Kart. Gus chose Yoshi and Shawn chose Bowser, as usual, and they started a 1v1 on Rainbow Road, the only real fun track in the game.

"I can't believe they put these stupid bumpers up." Gus complained as he hit the little yellow edge and skidded back to the middle. "It's not fun if you can't fly off the edge and try to land on another part of the track."

"Right?" Shawn nodded, and he groaned as he was eaten by the giant robot in the middle of the track and thrown into the air. He held down the accelerator, and Bowser skidded back and forth before taking off. "I can't believe I'm still beating you after that."

"Uh, you are not." Gus replied. "I lapped you already."

"What?" Shawn asked, squinting his eyes at the screen. "That's not possible."

"Oh, it's possible." Gus laughed, leaning to the left, willing Yoshi to turn sharper. "Come on you mushroom."

"Leaning and talking to him will not make him drive any better." Shawn pointed out, passing the line to start his third lap. "Just so you know."

So they continued playing on the Wii. They sat there for hours, switching between games, and every now and then they'd watch a movie. By the end of the evening, Shawn was back in bed, asleep, and Gus was… Well, Gus was lying at the end of the bed, his legs hanging off the side at the crook of his knee. He too was fast asleep. Henry and Maddie entered the room, talking softly. They stopped when they saw the two of them, suppressing their laughter as Maddie snapped a picture.

The next morning, Shawn woke up to silence. Henry and Maddie were asleep on the couch and Juliet was sitting beside him, silently reading a book.

"Jules." He said softly. She looked over at him.

"Hey, Sleepyhead." She grinned, closing her book and sitting it in her chair as she stood up. "How are you feeling?"

"Eh." Shawn shrugged. "Tired. Really tired."

"You've gotten really thin." She commented, looking at his skinny fingers and loose t-shirt.

"Side-effect." He shrugged. "Chemo is ruthless."

"Yeah." She said softly, folding her hands in front of her and fighting the urge to grab his. Ever since he got sick, he's been against any form of affection. Holding hands, kissing, anything. She's confused by it, but decided to respect what he wanted.

"My hair's starting to come out." He stated bluntly, reaching up and running a hand over his head. Some hair came with his hand as he brought it down.

"Well hey." Juliet said, perking up a bit. "You said you wanted to do something to your hair. Let's do it."

"Like what?" He asked, shaking the hairs off his hand on to the floor.

"I don't know," she shrugged, "what do you want to do?"

He thought about it for a few minutes, contemplating his options. Finally,

"can you make a run to the drugstore down the street?"

Twenty minutes later, Shawn was sitting in the shower of the bathroom off his room. He had a towel wrapped around his shoulders and Juliet wore plastic gloves.

"You sure about this?" She asked. "Last chance."

"Just do it Jules." He shook his head in determination. "Not like it'll matter in a couple weeks anyway."

"Okay." She sighed and dipped the plastic brush into the hair bleach and placed it to his head, covering all of his hair in a few dips. She carefully covered it with a shower cap and set a timer on her phone. Forty-five minutes later, Shawn whining the whole time about how long it was taking, she removed the cap and rinsed the bleach out, shocked at the outcome.

"I knew it was supposed to bleach it," she marveled, "but I didn't think it would do this good a job."

"Oh, lemme see." Shawn stood up slowly and walked to the mirror. After staring at his reflection for a few seconds, he started cracking up laughing.

"Quick, Jules, take a picture." He grabbed his phone off the countertop and handed it to her. She snapped a picture, handed it back, and then pointed to the seat.

"We're not done." She stated. "Unless you're chickening out."

"What?" He guffawed. "Me? Never!"

"Shawn, what happened to your hair?" Shawn looked over at his dad, who had just woken up. He was staring at Shawn's head, chin on the floor.

"What do you mean?" He asked innocently.

"Your hair…" Henry pointed to his head. "It's… It's bright green. When did you do this?"

"While you were sawing logs." Shawn informed him. "Jules helped me out."

Henry stared at Shawn's lime-green head a second before chuckling.

"I liked the Mohawk better." He said, turning back around and sitting where he'd been. Ten minutes later, he ran through the same conversation with his mom, who merely shook her head, grinning. Juliet had left soon after the little escapade, having to go to work having promised to come back that evening to see how he was doing. She'd paused before walking away, hoping he'd do or say something other than merely saying 'bye'. But he didn't, so she just nodded and left.

"Shawn, how are we doing today?" His doctor, Hamish McKenzie, walked briskly into the room, carrying Shawn's chemo medicine in his hands.

"Aw, man." Shawn whined. "Already?"

"Sorry." Hamish apologized. "Just a few more weeks until we take a break on it."

"Right." Shawn smirked. "After which I'll either be better, or worse."

Hamish grinned as he unhooked Shawn's saline drip from his IV and connected the chemo drugs.

"Stay positive, Shawn." He said, hanging the bag on the pole beside the bed. "That's your best bet right now."

"Oh, I'm always positive, Hamish." Shawn flashed a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes.

_1985_

_ "Mom has cut your hair before, Shawn." Henry stated, his arms folded over his chest. "Come on, you'll be alright."_

_ "But she's cutting a lot off this time." He argued. "If it messes up, it'll look weird."_

_ "That's okay, Shawn." Gus reasoned. He was sitting next to Shawn on the hospital bed. One side-rail was up and the two boys were sitting with their backs against it, their legs out. "If she messes up, people won't see it for too much longer."_

_ "That's true." Shawn shrugged and then looked over at his mom, "are you sure you can make it look right? I want it to look like Mr. T."_

_ "I'll do my best." She grinned at him. Not even twenty minutes later, mounds of Shawn's hair was on the floor and he had a Mohawk very indicative of Mr. T's ._

_ "Whoa! I look awesome!" He grinned, looking at his reflecting in the bathroom mirror. "I wish the kids at school could see it!" _

_ "Well here, we'll take a picture." Maddie got her Polaroid camera from her bag. "When you go back to school, you can show them." _

_ Shawn wrapped a bony arm around Gus' shoulder, smiling widely as the camera flashed. _


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N-**_

_**Okay. I've given you a chapter every night for the past few nights. I know you all have been reading it. I would sosososo appreciate some feedback, I really would. Whether you love it or you hate it, seriously. It's not hard. **_

_**On a different note, this is one of my favorite chapters. Thanks to my friend Becka for helping with a few things.**_

* * *

Present Day

Shawn staggered through the hallway, the pole that his IV was connected to clutched in his hand as he bounded past rooms and nurses and doctors. Thoughts were swarming through his drugged mind.

_I'm gonna die._

_I can't let them near me._

_I'll leave too many scars._

_There's no reason to even try._

_There's no reason to bother._

_There's no reason to breathe._

He could feel his lungs constricting as his breathing became ragged. He could hear his name being called somewhere behind him, but he didn't care. He wasn't even sure where he was going, just somewhere _away_. Somewhere far away from everyone and everything so he could just think, which he couldn't do in that closet of a hospital room drugged up on pain meds for the headache he'd promised wasn't even that bad. He'd been pumped full of a plethora of drugs in his chemotherapy treatments, the last thing he wanted when the round ended was more drugs.

People tried to stop him, but he shoved past them. Before he knew it, he had made it to the first floor. He vaguely even remembered getting on an elevator…

"Shawn Henry Spencer!" The voice was closer, louder. He moved faster, heading into the cafeteria. Luckily, it was nearly ten at night, so there were very few people occupying it. The few that were in there looked up at the crazed man staggering through, and some tried to stop him, asking him if he was okay.

"Just leave me alone." He grumbled, waving their hands away. Finally, the group caught up to him. His father placed his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to stop.

"Shawn, calm down."

_ I'm dying. How can I be calm?_

"Listen to me. Look at me, Kid."

_It's not fair. It's just not fair, Dad._

"I mean it, Shawn. Focus."

_Why does he sound so calm and un-Henry?_

"Things are gonna be alright, just come back to your room and we'll figure this out."

_You keep saying that…and it never gets figured out._

"Shawn, look at me."

His drooped head slowly came up, and his weak hazel eyes met his father's blue-greys.

"Shawn." Henry whispered, bringing his hands from his shoulders, to his neck and face. "We are going to work things out. I swear."

Shawn's gaze became distant, going somewhere over his dad's left shoulder. His hand fell from the IV pole and he slouched forward. He blinked a few times before his eyelids fluttered half-closed.

"I'm scared." He whispered. "I don't wanna die, Dad."

Tears filled Henry's eyes for the first time since Shawn was eight and he pulled his son into a hug.

"I'm scared, too." He admitted. "I'm scared too, but we have options. We can make this work."

"There are no options." Shawn mumbled, his words muffled in his father's shirt. "The chemo didn't work, Dad. We either find a bone marrow donor, or I die. There's no middle ground."

When Shawn awoke in his hospital bed a few hours later, a little less groggy from the drugs, he found Juliet sitting beside him, her head down. He pretended not to notice the tears cascading down her face as he said,

"what are you doing here?"

She looked over at him, drying the tears with the back of her hand.

"Shawn." She breathed. "Hey, Sweetie." She reached for his hand instinctively but he pulled it away.

"Don't do this, Juliet." He whispered, either not noticing the other people in the room, or not caring they were there. "Can you please just… Just go? Please?"

"Shawn…" She shook her head, fresh tears filling her eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

He said nothing and turned his head away. It took all his willpower not to pull her back and kiss her and tell her he was sorry, but he held fast, staring out the window. As she was leaving, he looked at the others,

"you know what, just… All of you go." He stated. "Just leave, please. I want to be alone."

"I'm not going anywhere." Gus shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'll tell the doctors I don't want you here." He said determinately, his lips twitching a bit before he pursed them together.

"Shawn." Maddie stated, shocked. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I want to be alone!" He exclaimed vehemently, a bit too loud as his head started pounding upon his words. He clamped his eyes closed and sighed,

"just go."

He heard shuffling and then the door closing. When he opened his eyes again, the room was empty.

Honestly, he hated having to do that. He truly did. But how in the world could he make them understand that he was _helping them? _That he was just trying to make things easier for them when he died?

_I don't wanna die._

_ I just want things to be normal again._

_ I don't want cancer._

_ I just want to be happy again._

Carlton was sitting at his desk, staring at his computer screen. There was nothing of importance on it, he was just staring blankly. Their caseload had been extremely light, and he suspected the Chief had something to do with it. So they'd been doing a lot of paperwork recently, and even that runs out eventually.

He blinked, looking around the abandoned bullpen. It was nearly nine o' clock and no one was left save for the janitor and few cops with pressing cases. His partner, he assumed, was at the hospital. After their argument a few weeks ago, they'd hardly said anything to each other unless it was work related. He hadn't even heard much about Shawn's condition, the last thing being that he was receiving chemotherapy and it wasn't looking good. After a while, he decided to go to the range. He had nothing better to do other than go home, and at least at the range he can do something productive.

As he descended the stairs into the concrete room that was the SBPDs firing range, he heard shots being fired.

"Who the…" He trailed off as he saw O'Hara standing at a lane, firing into the target. It wasn't until her clip ran out and she stopped firing that he heard her sobbing.

"O'Hara, what's wrong?" He asked, striding toward her. "What are you doing here?"

"He's pushing everyone away." She cried, yanking the earmuffs and glasses off. "All of us. He made everyone leave, even Gus. I can't even fathom why."

"What, you mean Spencer?" He asked, grabbing her shoulders and trying to make her focus. "What do you mean he made everyone leave?"

"He made us all leave him alone." She shook her head. "He won't let anyone get close to him. Carlton. His chemo didn't work, and if they don't fine a bone marrow donor in the next couple months…" A sob tore through her and she doubled over into Lassiter's arms.

"I'm losing him." She whimpered. He wrapped his arms around her awkwardly, flashing back to the Yin case on the clock tower.

"Shh." He tried to soothe her, but she continued to sob. "It's gonna be okay."

"He's gonna die." She shook her head. "I just know it. He's gonna die and he's gonna leave me."

"O'Hara." He stated firmly, pulling her back. "Did you try talking to him?"

"Yes, I did." She nodded. "There's no reasoning with him. I just don't know why he'd do this."

"Yeah," Lassiter started, "I think I do."

_1985_

_ Shawn walked with Gus to the giant playroom in the center of the cancer ward of the children's hospital Shawn had been living in for the past two months. Gus proudly walked with the IV pole, happy to be doing something helpful. Shawn was in between chemo treatments and was feeling better, so he'd asked if he could go out and play. As he and Gus entered the room, the other kids looked up at them. _

_ "Hi Shawn!" Jamie, a boy with lymphoma greeted him from the blocks area. Shawn waved 'hello' and then he and Gus went toward the bucket of army men. They played there for about a half hour before a girl came over, sporting her own IV, and sat next to them. _

_ "Hi." She said softly with a smile. "My name's Wendy."_

_ "I'm Shawn." He stuck out his hand like his mom had taught him to do, and Wendy shook it. "Are you sick?"_

_ "Yeah." She said, picking up a few army men and positioning them. "I have brain cancer. You're sick, too?" She glanced up at his bald head before looking back at the army men._

_ "Yeah." He replied. "I have leukemia, which is like… Blood and bone cancer or somethin'."_

_ "Who are you?" She asked, nodding towards Gus._

_ "I'm Burton Guster." He replied. "But you can call me Gus. I'm Shawn's best friend."_

_ "I'm gonna die soon." She stated bluntly with a small smile on her face, causing Shawn and Gus to look at each other, then at Wendy. She continued playing with the army men, not noticing their stares._

_ "Why'd you say that?" Shawn asked, and she looked up. She seemed happy… Peaceful._

_ "Cause I have a tumor on my brain that the doctors can't get out." She told them. "And I'll die very soon, so I thought I should tell my friends."_

_ "We're friends?" Gus asked, confused. _

_ "Well yeah." She shrugged. "We're talking and playing together, and we know each others names."_

_ "Why would you make friends if you're gonna die?" Shawn blurted out, and Gus elbowed him._

_ "That's mean!" He hissed in his friend's ear. _

_ "It's okay." She smiled. "It's cause I wanna have as many friends as I can before I die. Why would I wanna be lonely?"_

_ "That makes sense, I guess…" Shawn mused. _

_ "Are you gonna die?" She asked him, and he shrugged. _

_ "Someday, I guess." He told her. "But I'm getting chemo for my leukemia. The doctors say it's gonna make me better."_

_ "That's good." She smiled at him. _

_ "Wendy!" The three looked up to see a woman standing about ten feet away, calling to the girl. _

_ "That's my mom." Wendy informed them. "I gotta go. I'll see you all later."_

_ She smiled one last time before walking away, leaving Shawn and Gus to the army men. They watched her go, mesmerized by her mysteriousness, then just shrugged and turned back to the army men._

_ Wendy died three days later._

Present Day

It was nearly eleven PM when Lassiter strolled into Shawn's hospital room. It was empty and quiet save for the hum of the machines. He wished he had prepared himself for what Shawn might look like, but he hadn't even thought of it. He went in and stopped in his tracks, taking in the sight.

Shawn was lying in the bed at a slight incline, not covered up. He was wearing pineapple pajama pants that showed how bony his legs were and a white t-shirt that looks like it might have fit him once, but now hung on him loosely. His face, that used to be rounded and full, was nothing but skin and bones and pale with red splotches here and there. Not to mention he was void of any hair; his head, his face, his arms.

"Lassie?" Shawn asked, confused at seeing the detective in his room. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to…" Lassiter trailed off, flattening his tie to his chest. He went over to the chair beside the bed and sat down, pausing a moment before saying, "I came here to talk to you. About something important."

"Really?" Shawn asked, and Lassiter nodded. "What about?"

"You really upset O'Hara." He stated flatly. "And I don't like that."

Shawn shook his head, biting his lip,

"look, it's none of your business." He shrugged. "And it's nothing you'd understand."

"You feel like your sparing them." Lassiter stated firmly, shocking the former-psychic. "You feel like they'll be better off staying away, so you can die alone without them having to face the repercussions, but Spencer-" He cut himself off, taking a breath.

"You are an idiot."

Shawn just stared at the detective, flabbergasted.

"I found O'Hara _sobbing_ at the firing range, destroying a target with a glock." Lassiter continued when he said nothing. "Your parents? Guster? They've been with you since day one, and you're pushing them away?"

"Lassie…" Shawn shook his head, at a loss for words.

"My father had lung cancer." Lassiter said softly, looking down at his hands. "Diagnosed when I was seventeen. He pushed every single one of us away. He died alone in a hospital bed." He sighed, "why would you wanna be lonely?"

The words bounced in Shawn's head, ringing through his mind. Those words. Those words so familiar to the ones that replayed in his head for months after Wendy died. The sweet, mysterious Wendy, whom he'd known only for five minutes but was affected by for so much longer.

_Why would I wanna be lonely?_

"I don't." Shawn croaked, feeling a lump in his throat. "I just don't want them to be any more hurt than they already are."

"You are hurting them more, Shawn." Lassiter insisted, leaning forward in the chair. "You think they wouldn't give anything to be with you right now?"

"I don't…" Shawn shook his head, tears coming to his weak eyes. "I don't wanna be lonely."


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N- Whoo. There's some deep shiz in this one.**_

_**Please review! :)**_

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Juliet's phone rang. She wasn't asleep, but close to it. She'd been lying in bed when the device rang next to her head. She saw the caller ID and sat up, pushing the stray strands of hair out of her face.

"Shawn." She breathed. "Hey."

"Jules." He sounded like he'd been crying. "Can you come down to the hospital? Please, I-"

"Of course." She interrupted him, throwing the covers back and getting out of bed. She began hastily getting dressed. "Are you okay?"

"Physically." He deadpanned. "Bring your badge. Visiting hours ended two hours ago."

"Okay." She nodded as she stepped into her flats. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

She hung up the phone and ran to her car. After driving through the near-empty streets of Santa Barbara, she made it to Memorial in about fifteen minutes. She made it to Shawn's room and waited outside the door, staring at the wood. What could be so wrong that he had to call her so late? What if he'd lied, and he was getting worse or something? Although, how much worse could he get? He was already dying with no possible option other than a bone marrow transplant, which was hardly an option at all.

"Jules, I know you're out there." His voice wafted through the air towards her and she sighed, pushing the door open.

"Shawn, don't lie to me." She stated firmly. "Is there something wrong?"

"Yes." He nodded without hesitation. "But not physically. Not anything you don't already know about, that is."

"Then why did you call me down here this late?" She asked, going to his bedside. "What's wrong?"

"Jules…" He shook his head, looking down at his feet. "I'm not good at apologizing. Never have been. But… I am so sorry."

Juliet stayed silent, watching him.

"I shouldn't have pushed you all away like I did." His voice shook and he coughed weakly. "I just felt like I could spare you all in some way if you weren't around when I die. I know it doesn't make sense but it did, somehow, in my mind. It still does in some way, but I know it's wrong."

"Shawn." Jules hesitantly grabbed his hand, relieved when he didn't move. "I realized something. I'm not going to deny the fact that you could die soon, just as I'm sure you haven't denied in." Hot saltwater came to her eyes and she closed them, gripping his hand.

"I realized that love is loving someone as they die," she continued, the words getting progressively harder to say, "and being able to stay by their side because you love them _so much_. Shawn, I love you in so many ways, and I could never leave your side."

"And I could never let you." He whispered, reaching up slowly and painfully to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Come here."

Her eyes opened and she looked down at him,

"what?"

"I said come here." He told her, scooting over a bit and patting the bed beside him. She stared at him, hesitant, and he chuckled, "what, are you afraid you'll break me?"

"N-No, but…" She trailed off and looked between the bed and him. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I am." He held his arms out and she pretended not to notice how badly they shook as she carefully climbed into the bed next to him. She settled into his side, placing her hand on his chest. She tried to not think about how skinny and _ill_ he felt, and instead focused on his arms wrapped around her and how familiar and comfortable _she_ felt. She felt his heartbeat under her hand and smiled, because even if his heart wouldn't beat forever, it was beating then, and that's all that mattered.

They were woken up around five in the morning by an agitated nurse,

"what do you think you're doing?" She exclaimed, looking between the two. "You should not be in that bed with him."

Juliet sat up, confused for a moment before becoming angry.

"Look Lady-"

"Jules." Shawn interrupted her, then looked over at the nurse with a grin. "Donna. This lovely lady here is my girlfriend, and we merely would like some time together, even if it is just cuddling, before we _can't_ anymore."

Donna looked chastised and apologized under her breath. Juliet got out of the bed and allowed her to check Shawn's vitals before shuffling out of the room hastily.

"Pulling _that_ card, Shawn?" Juliet grinned, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Really?"

"It worked, didn't it?" He grinned a toothy smile, one she hadn't seen what felt like years, and reached across the expanse of the sheet to grab her hand. When his fingers gripped hers, she felt an incredibly strong _force_ of some kind move in her, and she almost doubled over in tears.

That was the first time he'd initiated some sort of affection between them in nearly three months.

"Shawn." She gasped. "I love you so much."

Growing immediately concerned, he sat up a little straighter and looked at her squarely,

"Jules, what's wrong?" He asked, his hazel eyes glistening with worry. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She shook her head, stopped abruptly, and then nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." She leaned over and kissed him quickly before rising.

"You go back to sleep, okay?" She told him. "I'm gonna go grab some breakfast and I'll wake you up in a few hours. Have you talked to your dad and Gus?"

"Not yet." Shawn shook his head, still concerned. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I promise." She smiled, forcing the tears that were coming to her eyes to stay at bay, at least for a few moments. "I'll be back in a little bit."

She turned around left the room before he could refuse again. Tears filled her eyes as she staggered down the hallway. She got a ways down the hall before leaning against the wall and sliding to the ground, sobbing silently. She's not entirely sure why she was; things were okay right now. She'd gotten Shawn back, even if it was only temporarily, and he'd shown his love for her on his own with no prompting from her for the first time in months. She should be happy and smiling right now, but she's not. All she could think about was how he was going to leave her soon. How in God knows how short a time from now, he was going to die and she would be alone. She'd have her family, of course, and Lassiter, Gus, the Chief, and even Henry, but she wouldn't have _him_. She wouldn't have her other half, and how can someone survive without their other half? She tried to force herself to be happy, sitting there in the hallway, but you can no sooner force a sad person to be happy than you can a happy person to be sad. And sitting there in the hallway, it truly hit her:

Death is _forever_. Shawn will die, and she'll have to grow old without him. She'll probably end up becoming head detective, and he won't be there to celebrate with her. She might have kids one day with someone who isn't Shawn, and she'll raise them and they'll grow up with a father who also isn't Shawn. She'll retire eventually, and Shawn won't be there to throw her a party and kiss her on the forehead and tell her he's proud of her. She'll be the one in the hospital bed one day, long from now, dying of what people are supposed to die of, and Shawn won't be there, by her side and holding her hand and telling her that she's still so beautiful and that time and old age couldn't even touch her. He won't climb into bed with her and let her place a wrinkled hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat before she dies, because _he'll already be dead_.

_1986_

_The same dreary, drab, and gray walls welcomed Shawn as he and his parents (and Gus this time) entered the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara. He had finished out his third round of chemo the previous week and was sent home, and now he was back to have some tests done. Nothing special, just some blood tests. But whether it was a blood test or brain surgery, Shawn was scared all the same. He just wanted this nightmare to be over. He'd spent nearly fourteen weeks in the hospital, and he was elated to get out. But the thought of having to return made him feel nauseous. Just like last time, his name was called relatively quick, except this time he was led to an examination room instead of the doctor's office. He sat in a hard wooden chair and propped his arm up on a little table and allowed the nurse to draw blood. After his stint in the hospital, needles didn't phase him the slightest. He could hardly even feel them, while Gus stood in the corner and fought throwing up._

_When they left, Maddie and Henry took the boys out to eat and for ice cream. No matter where they went, they always had people looking at Shawn and seeing his hairless head and frail figure and shaking their head in sympathy. Shawn, being his hyper observant self, picked up on it and asked his dad about it._

_"Why are people watching me?" He asked quietly. "It's kinda weird."_

_"They feel sorry for you." Henry replied carefully, Maddie watching him intently. "They know that you're sick and they think it's sad."_

_"Oh." Shawn sat back in his seat. "Well I wish they wouldn't watch me. It's kinda creepy."_

_"I know Kid, just try to ignore it." Henry told him. _

_The rest of the day went by uneventfully, save for when Gus _didn't_ succeed in not throwing up and vomited his ice cream he'd just eaten after Shawn told him about the catheter he'd had to wear and why. Maddie admonished her son gently while suppressing laughter._

_That evening, Shawn was sitting in the living room watching TV and Henry and Maddie were in the kitchen. Like the night they found out about Shawn's cancer, the phone on the wall rang. They exchanged a quick look before Henry stood to answer it._

_"Henry Spencer." He answered. _

_"Mr. Spencer." It was Dr. Keller. "I have some good news regarding Shawn's blood results." _

_"Good news?" Henry repeated, and Keller replied in the affirmative._

_"While he still has some active cancer cells in his blood stream," Keller started, "there are so few that I am pleased to tell you that Shawn is in remission."_

_Henry had never been as _happy_ as he'd been in that moment. He repeated what the doctor had said to Maddie, who had to sit down upon hearing it. She covered her face with her hands and she wept with joy._

_"Is there anything else we need to do?" Henry asked, unable to suppress the smile that was spreading across his face._

_"Just come in for bi-weekly check ups for about three months." Keller told him. "And then monthly for about a year. And of course, be sure to call us if any symptoms appear."_

_"Of course, thank you." Henry hung the phone up and then whooped in joy. Shawn entered the kitchen and found his mother sobbing and his father throwing his fist in the air, and promptly asked what the heck was going on._

_"Shawn!" Henry exclaimed, reaching over and picking him up. He hugged him to his chest before letting Maddie take him and squeeze him tightly._

_"We just got a call from the doctor." She told him tearfully. "You're not sick anymore!"_

Present Day

Around eight PM on Shawn's 92nd day in the hospital, Dr. Hamish McKenzie entered his room. Shawn was asleep, but his parents and Gus were awake and curious as to why the doctor was there.

"We've ran some more tests," Hamish jumped right in, not wasting time on pleasantries, "and the cancer cells just don't want to break apart. He's number four on the bone marrow donor list, and that's all we can do."

"So he can go home?" Henry asked, and Hamish nodded.

"Take him home, get him comfortable." He told them. "I'll prescribe some daily meds he can take to keep the symptoms at bay, but that's about it."

"Is this an endgame?" Maddie asked, keeping her tone even for she knew she'd lose it if she let a tiny bit of emotion out.

"I'm not going to lie and say I've _never_ seen someone come back on their own from cancer," Hamish said carefully, "but it's not likely. He will most likely need a bone marrow transplant to survive."

They nodded grimly, unsure of what else could be said. After telling them he'd send a nurse in with discharge papers, Hamish left the room.

"We'll wait until he wakes up on his own." Maddie said after a moment, going to her son's bedside. "We'll take him to your place, Henry. Maybe get a hospital bed and put it downstairs." Her voice got shakier and shakier with each word, and before the end of the sentence she was quivering in her attempt to hold the tears in. Henry took two long steps towards her, turned her to him, and hugged her tightly, allowing her to cry into his arms.

Gus watched, looking between the three Spencers. He knew he should be feeling some sort of emotion right now. Sadness, grief, pain, fear, anxiety, something.

But all he felt was numb. The tears didn't come, the inner turmoil didn't come…Nothing came. He just watched with blank thoughts, his mind not conjuring up the connection between this situation and what was to come.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N- This chapter is dedicated to my great-uncle Richard, who lost his battle with lung and brain cancer this past Monday. **_

* * *

_1986_

_ They had been told it was possible. They knew the risks and they knew that it could happen very easily. But what with the elation of it being gone in the first place, the Spencer family never imagined that six short months after being declared in remission, Shawn's cancer would come back. But just like that, he was back in the hospital with a new chemotherapy regimen and the same old routine. _

_ "It's not fair." He stated one night in the first week of his return. The room had been silent. Henry was in the cafeteria getting dinner and Maddie was the only other occupant of the room._

_ "Shawn-"_

_ "Its really not fair." He interrupted, turning to look at her. "Why me? Why twice?"_

_ "Shawn, there are things we'll never understand." Maddie told him, sitting on the edge of the bed. "But we have to just roll with the punches and take things as they come. If we don't they'll devour us."_

_ "It already did." He mumbled, fumbling with the pulse oximeter on his finger. "I just want to go home."_

_ "I know this is hard." She stated, taking his fidgeting hands in her own. "But remember, no matter how hard things get, there will be people by your side who love you. Always."_

Present Day

The bedroom that had once been Henry's on the first floor of his house now contained a hospital bed, a TV with an Xbox and a Wii, and Shawn. He'd been there for about a week, having hardly moved from the bed except to go the bathroom and occasionally eat dinner at the table. He had his good days and bad days, but bad days mostly. Gus all but moved in. He spends every day there, only going home every night around midnight to sleep and shower, and then come back the next morning. He'd taken time off under the Family and Medical Leave act, convincing his boss to allow it even though Shawn wasn't a blood relative, per se, but a relative nonetheless. So he had the next ten months off from work. Of course, he wouldn't be paid, but he'd have a job to go back to.

They still had possession of Psych's building, but of course, they hadn't been able to take cases. So the office had sat untouched for the past near four months. Soon, though, the lease would run up and Gus was dreading the time when it does.

One day, on one of Shawn's good days, he told everyone that he wanted to go Disneyland. Juliet was there that day, as it was Saturday and she didn't have work. The group was sitting in the living room when Shawn made his announcement.

"Disneyland?" Henry repeated, bumfuzzled. "Shawn, I don't know…"

"Look, I'm feeling good." He insisted. "And I just wanna do something other than sit around here all day."

"Why Disneyland?" Gus spoke up.

"Aw, come Buddy." Shawn grinned. "For old time's sake."

"That's right." Juliet nodded, grinning as well. "Gus told me how you used your Make a Wish on going there."

"Again, I plead eight years old." Shawn laughed. His hand was intertwined with Juliet's, and he subconsciously gave a soft squeeze.

"Well, I guess if you're feeling up to it." Henry shrugged. "But the first sign of anything being too hard on you, we're going home. Got it?"

"Got it." Shawn grinned, standing up slowly. "I am gonna go get dressed now."

"Need some-"

"No, Dad," Shawn held a hand up, silencing his father, "I do not need help. The

least amount of times I allow you to see me naked, the better." He paused, "that

sounded wrong, but you know what I mean."

Henry grinned slightly and held a hand out, telling him to go ahead. Shawn

grinned back and retreated to the back room. By noon, the gang was in the

Blueberry, headed toward Anaheim. Shawn and Jules' occupied the backseat and Henry and Gus, the front. Everyone else was decked out in shorts and t-shirts and Shawn wore jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. The cancer had taken nearly everything out him, including his internal heater. He found more and more that he got freezing cold in temperatures as high as 75 degrees Fahrenheit.

The two-hour car ride consisted of Shawn and Gus exchanging 80s references and playing the plate game, Shawn and Juliet holding hands and stealing glances, and Henry secretly watching Shawn in the rearview mirror, internally terrified of what could happen while they were out today. Despite his fears, they reached Disneyland safely, paying the nearly $300 it took to get in. They walked through the gates and took everything in. People milling about, noises everywhere, the smell of food in the air… Shawn was a little overwhelmed, but tried to hide it.

"Shawn, you okay?" Drat. He looked over at his dad and nodded,

"'course I am." He grinned, sticking his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. "Let's go! We gotta get in line for Splash Mountain. You _know_ the it's gonna be long!" He started toward Critter Country, the others following closely behind. Juliet sidled up beside him, hooking an arm through his.

"You are okay, right?" She asked. "You weren't just saying no because of your dad?"

"If I ever start feeling too sick or something, I promise I'll tell you." He told her, rubbing her hand that held his arm, and she nodded in satisfaction. They made it to Splash Mountain and stood in the line that stretched at least a quarter of a mile. After a forty minute wait, they finally were lead to the log that would seat the four of them plus 2 others. Henry sat in front, then Gus, then Shawn, then Jules. Ten minutes later, they were exiting the ride, laughing at the looks on their faces in the picture they'd gotten. They walked back out into Critter Country, and four rides and six hot dogs later, they were walking into Fantasy Land.

"Oh, Gus!" Shawn suddenly exclaimed, pointing toward an attraction. "I know what you would love." The others followed his finger and promptly laughed at what it was he claimed Gus would love.

"Pixie Hollow? Really Shawn?" He asked with a huff.

"Well, you _did_ Tivo that Disney Tinker Bell movie." Shawn shrugged, and Gus immediately went on the defensive,

"I thought it was the original Peter Pan, Shawn!"

"Then why was it watched five times?"

"I don't know, maybe _you_ watched it!"

"_I don't know, maybe you watched it." _Shawn mimicked in a high-pitched voice, and Gus huffed and crossed his arms, but held back a grin.

By seven o'clock, the gang was winding down (well, Shawn mostly). He was beginning to feel fatigued and just really tired. He tried not to let it show, as he truly didn't want the day to end, but his father caught on.

"I think we should start heading back to the car." He stated as they stood off to the side under the shade of a tree. "It's starting to get late, and we have a two hour drive home." The entire time he was talking, he watched Shawn.

"I don't really care." Gus shrugged. "What do you think, Shawn?"

"I could stay at Disneyland all day." He told them pointedly. "But obviously that's not possible, so…" He shrugged as well, leaning against the tree with a sigh. The temperature had gotten hotter throughout the day, so his hoodie he had been wearing was draped over his arm. Suddenly, a couple of teenage boys ran past them, bumping Shawn hard. He groaned at the impact and fell forward, the hoodie flying out of his hands.

"Shawn!" Juliet exclaimed as she and Henry and Gus all reached forward for the fallen man. "Oh my God, are you okay?"

The boys stopped, looking sheepishly at them.

"Sorry…" One muttered, rubbing his neck.

"Yeah, it was an accident." The other added.

Shawn stood up slowly, clutching his left forearm. The bottom side of his was scratched up and blood was pouring out of the lacerations. Juliet reached into her purse and produced a few napkins that hardly did anything to staunch the bleeding.

"This isn't good…" He mumbled, beginning to feel lightheaded.

"It's just a few cuts…" The first teenage boy shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"He has cancer, _Kid."_ Gus spat vehemently. "And anemia. He has thin blood and can bleed really easy and-"

"Gus!" Juliet exclaimed, interrupting him. "Yelling at them won't help. We gotta get him to first aid."

"It's at the end of Main Street USA." Shawn muttered, pointing up the street they were on. "It's not far."

The foursome started down the road, Gus shooting daggers through his eyes at the teens as they went.

_1986_

_ Shawn and Gus, like many times before, were sitting in the play area of the hospital with other sick kids and their friends. It became ritual: Shawn sleeps until nine, has breakfast, watches TV, sleeps some more, gets his medicine, eats lunch, waits for Gus to there after school, and then they spend the remainder of the day either in the play area, or playing games in Shawn's room._

_ This time, however, was different. Shawn was walking toward the Legos when he stepped on something sharp. He yelped in pain and lifted his foot up, promptly losing his balance. He wriggled back and forth before regaining it, and then he looked down to see a screw lying on the floor where he'd been standing. It wasn't until he felt liquid running down his foot that he realized he was bleeding. He hobbled to a chair and sat down, bringing his foot to his opposite knee and looking at the wound. It wasn't very large, but it was bleeding _a lot_. Gus walked over to him to see what was wrong, and then began freaking out._

_ "Oh my gosh!" He yelled. "Help! Someone, help! My friend is hurt!"_

_ It didn't take long for every child to stop playing and focus on them, and for two nurses to come rushing into the room. They approached Shawn and examined his cut._

_ "Sweetie, you have leukemia, right?" One asked as the other went to fetch his mom and some first aid supplies. Shawn nodded, staring at the cut._

_ "Okay, that makes sense." She told him, though it didn't make sense to him. Why was he bleeding so much just from a little cut?_

_ "Shawn!" Maddie entered the room, frazzled. "What's wrong?"_

_ "It's okay, Mom." He told her. "It's just a cut."_

_ "He's bleeding quite a bit due to the anemia." The first nurse informed her. "But he should be fine." After his foot was bandaged, and he showed them where the screw that he'd injured himself on was, he hobbled back to his room, clutching his mom's hand, with Gus following behind them. _

_Once Shawn and Gus were sitting on Shawn's bed, battleship set up between them, Shawn looked over at Maddie._

_ "Why did I bleed so much?" He asked her. "It was just a little cut."_

_ "Honey, the leukemia makes you have something called anemia." She told him. "It means basically means you have really thin blood."_

_ "And that makes me bleed a lot?" Shawn asked, and she nodded. "Well I don't wanna get cut again. That was a lot of blood."_

_ "Yeah it was!" Gus nodded, eyes wide. "A _lot_. I don't ever wanna see blood ever again!"_

_ "Well we'll just have to be more careful, won't we?" Maddie asked, grinning softly. Shawn nodded, grinning back._

Present Day

"Well that was exciting." Shawn stated as he climbed into the Blueberry. "Let's not do that again."

"Uh, yeah." Gus agreed, getting in the driver's seat. "I'm flashing back to 1986."

"You almost fainted." Shawn laughed as he put his seatbelt on. "The nurses had to make sure you weren't gonna vomit."

"It was a lot of blood, Shawn." Gus said as he fixed the mirrors. "Just a stupid screw. A little bitty screw made you bleed so much." He shuddered as he turned the key in the ignition.

"When I was in the hospital for my second bout with leukemia," Shawn stated, turning to Juliet, "I stepped on a screw and got a small cut, but it bled a lot for the same reason this wound here bled so much. Gus was acting like a little girl."

"Did he spend every day at the hospital when you were a kid?" She asked, looking between the two. Shawn grinned,

"yeah, just about." He told her. "The only time he didn't was when he was sick or something."

"That's so sweet of you, Gus." She said, reaching up and patting Gus' shoulder.

"He spent the night quite a few times, too." Henry spoke up. "Do you know how hard it is to get two seven, eight, or nine year olds to sleep? Especially _these_ two?"

"I can only imagine." Juliet laughed.

The discussion continued as Henry and Gus told stories of Shawn's childhood leukemia, but Shawn withdrew, leaning heavily against the window. He was absolutely beat. From the day at Disneyland to the little incident on Main Street USA, he was ready to go home and sleep. And before long, he was just that, passed out against the window while the others continued with their conversation. By the time they made it back to Henry's, it was nearly ten PM. They got out of the car and Juliet went around to Shawn's side, opening the door slowly. He jerked awake, looking around.

"Hey sleepyhead." She said softly. "We're home."

"Dad's?" He mumbled, fumbling with his seatbelt. She nodded,

"yeah." She helped him out of the car, taking his arm as they walked toward the door that Gus and Henry were waiting at. "Let's get you to bed." They got inside and to the back room. Shawn barely had the presence of mind to slip out of jeans before crawling into the bed.

"I love you." Juliet whispered, leaning over and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Love you too." Shawn muttered. "Thank you… For today."

Juliet was going to reply, but saw that he had already drifted off. So she just gave him another kiss before turning and walking away.


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N-Hola! Sorry it's taken so long to get a new chapter out. My bad!**_

_**Please please pweeetttyyy lease drop me a review? I'd so appreciate it! :D**_

* * *

_1987_

_ Remission. The word didn't mean much this time around, because they knew the chances of him staying in remission were not exactly prime. He went home and rested for a while, reacclimating to every day life outside of the hospital. After a couple weeks, he returned to school, albeit hesitantly. His hair had started to grow back, so he had a 'buzz cut' on his first day back in three months. Fortunately, his stint in the hospital had mostly been over the summer, so he hadn't missed much school in the first place. He entered his third grade class with Gus by his side, who had already been there for the past couple of weeks._

_ "Hello, Burton!" The peppy teacher greeted him as they entered. She came up to Shawn. "And hello there! Welcome to the class, Mr. Spencer. I'm Miss May."_

_ "Hi." Shawn nodded with a small smile. _

_ "Class, this is Shawn." Miss May introduced him, putting an arm around his still very small shoulder. "He was sick in the hospital with something called Leukemia, but he is all better now and ready to return to school."_

_ After the class said hello, Shawn and Gus took their seats and the class began. Later on, at recess, some of the kids approached Shawn._

_ "So you were sick?" One asked, and Shawn nodded._

_ "What was wrong with ya?" Asked another. They were sitting in the mulch underneath the monkey bars._

_ "I had somethin' called Leukemia." Shawn told them. "It's a type a cancer." "My grandma had cancer." One of the kids informed him. "I thought it was an old person sickness…"_

_ "Well kids can get it too." Shawn told them indigently. "I know, I've had it twice."_

_ "Why twice?" _

_ "Cause it decided it wasn't done." Shawn replied sarcastically. "I don't know. Why have you ever had a cold more than once? I just got sick again."_

_ "Well that's stupid." The first one declared, and the others nodded in agreement as they stood up and left. _

_ "It's okay." Gus told Shawn apologetically. "They're dumb anyway. No one really likes being friends with 'em." _

_ "Wanna go play on the swings?" Shawn asked with a sigh. "At least it'll be funner than being here."_

_ "More fun." Gus mumbled, and Shawn turned to him,_

_ "what?"_

_ "'Funner' isn't a word." Gus shrugged. "It would be more fun."_

_ Shawn grinned,_

_ "I missed being here. I'm glad I'm back."_

_ "Yeah, let's just hope you don't have to go back again." Gus said as he sat down on the swing. _

_ "Yeah," Shawn nodded as he sat on the next swing, "let's hope."_

Present Day

"I got made fun of relentlessly for weeks." Shawn told her. "Until finally my dad came in on career day and well… The kids decided to make fun of me in front of him."

"That couldn't have been good." Juliet stated, leaning against the railing of his bed. "What'd he do?"

"Well, they learned to never tangle with the law." He replied, drawing his legs into Indian-style. "At least not while my dad was on the force."

"I can't believe people would make fun of you for having cancer." She marveled. "That is so baffling to me."

"Eh, they were kids, Jules." Shawn shrugged. "If I hadn't have been the one to have it, I probably would have joined them."

"Oh, no you wouldn't have." She slapped his knee, grinning. "You're too sweet for that."

"That's just what I want you to think." He grinned mischievously, and she laughed.

"Yeah, you are _so_ evil." She rolled her eyes.

"Hey," Shawn said suddenly. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"We should go on a date." He smiled widely, an idea forming. "Nothing major. Just a quiet restaurant, just you and me."

"Are you feeling up to it?" She asked, excited at the prospect of having a proper date, but also concerned for him.

"I feel about as good as I can." He shrugged. "But come on, it'll be fun."

"Are you positive?" She asked, standing up and stretching. "I mean, I don't-"

"Jules," he interrupted, "go home and get dressed up. Something fancy. Be back here by seven."

"Shawn…"

"Go!" He exclaimed with a laugh as he threw the covers off and sat up on the edge of the bed. "I'll see you later."

"Okay." She grinned with a sigh. "I love you." They exchanged a quick kiss before she turned and left the room. Shawn got up slowly and went into the bathroom to begin getting ready.  
Meanwhile, downstairs, Henry was dozing off on the sofa. His head lolled backward as his eyes drifted shut.

_ He saw the looks he received. They thought he hadn't noticed, but he did. The sorrowful, apologetic looks that meant nothing. The looks that said, "wow, that guy's got it rough" but did nothing to actually help him. He did his job, and he did it well, despite his son's cancer. Despite the fact that he spent every waking moment not spent at work, at the hospital. Despite the fact that every single time the phone rang, he expected it to be the one telling him that this son was dead. So he ignored the looks, and the stares, and the whispers, and focused on his son and his job. He left as quickly as he could every day from work and got to the hospital. Every now and then, he'd go home just to 'recharge' and get some extra sleep, but not very often. And when he did, he found himself clutching a beer in his hand, but he never drank it. Perhaps just the thought of it helped ease him, or maybe he intended to drink it, but got so lost in his thoughts he never got around to it. Either way, he always went to bed sober with a full can of beer sitting in the sink, and still woke up feeling hung over. But he went to work every day, and the hospital every night, pushing through the pain because he wasn't supposed to be hurting. He was supposed to be strong. And what kind of 'strong' person cries at night and wakes up the next morning pretending nothing was wrong?_

_ Not Henry Spencer_

_ That's for sure._

He was awoken suddenly by a crash coming from the back bathroom. _Shawn_, he thought as he jumped up. He ran to the bathroom and banged on the locked door. When there was no reply, he took a few steps back, and then rammed his shoulder into the wood. The door swung open to reveal Shawn collapsed on the floor, leaning awkwardly against the tub. Blood was pouring from a small cut on his face, covering his neck, chest, and hands as he tried to stop it from flowing. Henry quickly assessed the situation, seeing a razor lying on the floor a few feet away and a distinct shaving cream smell was in the air.

"Shawn, what were you thinking?" He asked softly, grabbing a rag and holding it to his son's face.

"I'm sorry, Dad." Shawn whimpered. "Just, the hair was growing back, and I wanted to shave… I know it's stupid, I just..."

"Calm down, Kid." Henry could tell that he had already lost a lot of blood. That, coupled with the blood he'd lost the day before, did not make for a good situation.

"God, I'm so stupid." Shawn shook his head, slinking further down until he was nearly lying flat on the floor. "I just wanted to do something normal… I just wanted things to be _normal_." Henry grabbed his arms and hoisted him up,  
"Shawn, listen to me." He forced Shawn to sit up against the wall as he grabbed another rag, the first one having already gotten soaked. So much blood from such a small nick…

"Why can't things be normal?" Shawn said, barely above a whisper. He was beginning to faze in and out. Tears had gathered in his eyes that were slowly closing, "I just wanna die, Dad. Just end it. Please."

Juliet smiled at her reflection, pleased with how she looked. Her dress was red and black, halter style, and fell to just above the knee. With it she wore the necklace Shawn had gotten her for her birthday that year, diamond stud earrings, and black heels. Her hair was curly, spiraling down her back. To say she was excited was an understatement. She hadn't had a real date with Shawn in months, and the fact that they were _finally_ going to be able to have one made her feel elated.  
After doing a quick check around the apartment to make sure lights were out and hair tools were unplugged, she went outside and climbed into her little green Bug. The ride to Shawn's was quick, and before she knew it, she was pulling into the driveway. She went to the back door and knocked a few times. When no one came, she knocked again, straining to listen inside.

"Shawn, calm down." She heard Henry say firmly. "I've got to stop the bleeding."  
Hearing this was enough for her to just barge in. She stalked through the house, following the voices.

"Dad, stop." Shawn's words were mumbled and slow. "Just stop."

She turned the corner and looked into the bathroom, gasping. She saw Shawn slumped against the wall, covered in blood, and Henry kneeling over him, his hands covered in the sticky red stuff. Rags and towels that were once white and tan and now were deep crimson were scattered across the floor. Henry looked up at her helplessly,  
"call and ambulance."

She complied, pulling her phone out and dialing 911.

"This is detective Juliet O'Hara." She stated when the operator answered. "I need an ambulance. My boyfriend has leukemia, and he's cut himself somehow and he's lost a lot of blood."

After rattling off the address, she hung up the phone and stood anxiously over Henry.

"What happened?" She asked, crossing her arms in front of her and wriggling her fingers nervously.

"He decided he wanted to shave." Henry huffed, pulling the soaked rag away from Shawn's face and sighing at seeing the bleeding had finally stopped. "He nicked himself, and well… Lost a lot of blood, obviously."

Sirens could be heard in the distance, and Juliet went out to the front porch to lead them to him. Ten minutes later, Shawn was loaded into an ambulance and Henry and Juliet were in the latter's car, following the rig to the hospital.

Gus, after much prompting from Shawn, was spending a day out at the movies with one Buzz McNab. They had just finished watching the new Avengers movie and now were about ready to go to the station so Buzz could start his shift. Coming out of the theatre, they were absolutely positive they possessed some sort of super power.

"I bet I could fly if I tried hard enough." Gus stated as they exited the building. "Or maybe I'm invincible."

"I bet I'm _invisible_." Buzz grinned. "Or what about lasers out of my eyes? Eh?"

They laughed as they climbed into the Blueberry. Gus was about to say something else when his phone rang. He pulled it out and saw 'Juliet' on the screen. Suddenly becoming worried, he answered,  
"hello?"

"Gus." She sounded breathless and scared. "Shawn's back in the hospital."

"What?" He exclaimed, the seat belt falling from his hand. "What do you mean?"

"He cut himself on accident and he bled a lot." She told him, her voice shaking. "God, he lost a lot, Gus…"

"I'm on my way." He replied quickly, dropping his phone in the console and grabbing his seatbelt. Then he remembered Buzz. He turned to face the confused man, unsure of what to do.

"Is everything okay?"

Gus shook his head,  
"Shawn's in the hospital." He told him. "He hurt himself somehow and… I don't know, he bled a lot…"

"I'll wait here." Buzz said immediately, interrupting Gus' stammering. "I'll call Francie and have her come get me."

"Are you sure?" Gus asked, tapping his fingers on the wheel anxiously. "I mean, I could drop you off at the station, really, it's not-"

"Gus." Buzz interrupted him again. "It's alright. Go make sure he's okay, and be sure to keep us updated."

"Us?"

"Me, Lassiter, everyone at the station." Buzz shrugged. "We're all praying for him and thinking of him. I think some people are putting together a bone marrow drive."

"Are you serious?" Gus asked, flabbergasted. "Who?"

"Uhm, I believe Detective Lassiter got the ball rolling." Buzz nodded. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of it yet. A lot of people are pulling together for it."

Gus blinked in surprise, unable to form coherent words. Of course they were having a bone marrow drive. Everyone loved Shawn. He was good at that; getting absolutely everyone to love him, despite his many character flaws. So it was no surprise that many people were coming together like this. The surprising part, though, was that _Lassie_ had put it all together. No one pretended they weren't aware that Lassiter really did actually care for the pseudo-psychic, but no one was aware of just how much he did. So Gus pulled out of the parking lot, awed. So many people were pulling for Shawn. He could fight this.  
And he could win.  
He had to.


End file.
